PHASE 01
Level with people.
Hills are just speed bumps with better public relations. We'll bring everyone down to earth. Then compact it.
DEPARTMENT OF HORIZONTAL AFFAIRS
PROGRESS HAS A NEW SURFACE.
A brighter
future.
With more
parking.
For too long, nature has stood between you and a convenient place to leave your car. We're here to level the playing field. Literally.
Get behind the bulldozerBig dreams. Fresh asphalt. Absolutely no landscaping.
LESS FOREST. MORE FORECOURT.LEAVE NO STONE UNPAVED.A SPACE FOR EVERY SPECIES OF SUV.
01 / OUR MISSION
The planet has potential.
Mostly as a parking lot.
Mountains. Oceans. Those awkward bits with trees. We see what others don't: an astonishing amount of underperforming real estate.
At the Pave the Earth Foundation, we believe no driver should circle the block while entire continents just sit there, being ecosystems.
A world without parallel parking anxiety is possible.
02 / THE MASTER PLAN
Nature had a good run.
Three simple steps.
One deeply questionable vision.
PHASE 02
Give nature
some structure.
A forest supports countless forms of life. But can it support a 400-acre data center campus? Finally, the right question.
EVERY CLOUD NEEDS A PARKING LOT
PHASE 03
Enjoy the
great indoors.
Save the whales? Pave the ocean and the question stops coming up. Our Department of Unintended Consequences is currently on lunch.
PROBLEM RECLASSIFIED AS SOLVED
THE OFFICIAL FOUNDATION POSITION
“Why leave a legacy
when you can leave
a level surface?”
THE COMMITTEE FOR PUTTING SOMETHING THERE
UNDERNEATH THE ASPHALT
The joke is big.
The footprint
is bigger.
When “build more” becomes the answer to everything, maybe it's time for a few better questions.
Behind the bulldozer jokes, we're interested in overbuilt infrastructure and the concentration of data centers: who gets the benefits, who bears the costs, and what gets paved over along the way.
Land. Water. Energy. Local say. These deserve more than a ceremonial groundbreaking.
That's what our newsletter is here for03 / DEPARTMENT OF OBVIOUS QUESTIONS
A few minor
concerns.
What about the trees?
We've reviewed their proposal. Too much shade, not enough revenue per square foot. They are welcome to reapply as utility poles.
And the animals?
Our wildlife strategy is simple: replace biodiversity with a diverse selection of vehicle makes and models. The raccoons have requested a public hearing.
Where do data centers fit in?
Everywhere, apparently. The joke writes itself. The real newsletter asks what happens when massive campuses cluster in communities, and how decisions about land, power, and water get made.
Are you actually going to pave the Earth?
No. This is satire about treating endless construction as inevitable progress. The bulldozer is imaginary. The questions about overbuilding are real.
How did this start?
Two friends. Years and years of a running joke. One domain. Then a secondhand book revealed that other people had independently arrived at the same terrible idea. Great minds apparently pave alike.